My first thought was no. No, this isn't happening. No, those words didn't just come out of your mouth. No, no, no. This is a bad dream. I toss, I turn. I kick. I scream inside. I'm not waking up, this is real. It feels like a movie. But it's not. It's real. This is our marriage, this is really happening.
My second thought was anger. I am mad at you for what you did. I don't want to forgive you. You don't deserve it. You messed up.
My third thought, after half a roll of toilet paper is on the ground, is grace. I don't deserve it. I am a sinner at heart. I mess up daily. Not worthy. Yet Christ died for me.... Why?? God so loved the world...
So I take a deep breath and I choose grace. You look into my eyes. It's dark, it's late. We've been up for hours and hours, talking, rationing, trying to make sense of it all. It doesn't make sense though. My brain can't justify what you've done. I cannot comprehend. When I do, I am upset. Deeply hurt. But I forgive you. I say I forgive you. We fall asleep. We wake many times during the night.
The next day I'm upset again. Alone with my thoughts all day in the office. I'm mad.
I come home and things blow up. I need space. So I go for a run. I want you to chase after me but you don't.
I come home and we fight. Then we calm things down and make up again.
Today, we text briefly. I tell you I need space, you are not there when I get home. There is a note on the counter. You will be a few miles down the road. If you don't hear from me by the time it's dark you will be home. Also, the dog has been let out. Great. Also, you thanked me for being a gracious wife. Gah. You are too sweet. Really, you are.
Here I stand, life is gonna go on. In twenty years we will look back and think of that petty time you...... And laugh about it, thinking how dumb our newlywed problems were. Sigh. But how real they were. How painful and gut-wrenchingly real they were.
I'm not quite sure what to do. This is the battle between two spirits. I'm upset. I'm hurt. Half of me wants to forgive you. Half of me wants to hold a grudge. I know we won't move forward until this is fixed. We ain't separating, so what's left to do???
My second thought was anger. I am mad at you for what you did. I don't want to forgive you. You don't deserve it. You messed up.
My third thought, after half a roll of toilet paper is on the ground, is grace. I don't deserve it. I am a sinner at heart. I mess up daily. Not worthy. Yet Christ died for me.... Why?? God so loved the world...
So I take a deep breath and I choose grace. You look into my eyes. It's dark, it's late. We've been up for hours and hours, talking, rationing, trying to make sense of it all. It doesn't make sense though. My brain can't justify what you've done. I cannot comprehend. When I do, I am upset. Deeply hurt. But I forgive you. I say I forgive you. We fall asleep. We wake many times during the night.
The next day I'm upset again. Alone with my thoughts all day in the office. I'm mad.
I come home and things blow up. I need space. So I go for a run. I want you to chase after me but you don't.
I come home and we fight. Then we calm things down and make up again.
Today, we text briefly. I tell you I need space, you are not there when I get home. There is a note on the counter. You will be a few miles down the road. If you don't hear from me by the time it's dark you will be home. Also, the dog has been let out. Great. Also, you thanked me for being a gracious wife. Gah. You are too sweet. Really, you are.
Here I stand, life is gonna go on. In twenty years we will look back and think of that petty time you...... And laugh about it, thinking how dumb our newlywed problems were. Sigh. But how real they were. How painful and gut-wrenchingly real they were.
I'm not quite sure what to do. This is the battle between two spirits. I'm upset. I'm hurt. Half of me wants to forgive you. Half of me wants to hold a grudge. I know we won't move forward until this is fixed. We ain't separating, so what's left to do???
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